[ oda’s almost tempted to say yes and walk away, but he’s not really angry at her. at atsushi and at dazai, sure—but not saki. it’s the other way around, in this case. ]
Alright. If you insist.
[ he takes a sip of his coffee, going to one of the plates. ]
[ oda has no doubt that this is not an accident. regardless, he wordlessly pushes the extra salt away aside, hoping that it’s enough to not give him high blood pressure problems for life. ]
So it's worth it to kill a traitor even if it means getting the rest of us killed, too? Or did you think that he's that much of a threat even though we all survived last week?
I think that professor already dissuaded me from it.
[ it’s only then when he looks uncomfortable, a shade or two paler than usual. the memory of his and moriarty’s conversation is enough to make him relive the fear of it. ]
But if something happens to him—I won’t help. Everything that ends up happening to him from now on, he’ll deserve it.
[ there’s a slight edge to his voice, tinged with anger and hurt alike. ]
You told me you were trying to be a better person. Being a better person doesn't include making snap judgments to kill someone.
[Anger gives edge to her words.
There are already plenty of people helping, and people who aren't. She figures among the lot of them, they'll be able to get the information they need to. But deciding to take a life on the spot?
She's already seen people make that judgment call when they shouldn't have. And she's not going to accept it like this anymore.]
[ oda says this half-heartedly while eating. not because he doesn’t believe her (taking a human life is wrong, it always is) but because he didn’t really want to argue. ]
Well, I’m not going to apologize. Everything that I said then, I meant it. If you’re going to continue hating me, then go ahead.
"Things like these?" You mean people telling you not to kill someone?
[Her own voice is harsh.]
If you do something wrong, people will scold you. Even if you do something good, people might try to tell you you're wrong anyway. Do you know how hard it is, trying to do the right thing when everyone wants you to just... just let people die and be done with it?!
[As she talks, her voice raises.]
Maybe we'll be safer if some people die. They definitely can't be problems anymore if they're dead. But that's the easy way out, isn't it? You can just say, "they were dangerous, so I took care of it before they could do anything," and no one could prove you wrong.
[Somewhere along the way, this has become personal. It's easy enough to tell from how she speaks, a barely restrained anger.]
It's so much harder to convince people of the value of others. To show people that we are not monsters to be disposed of at the first sign of trouble.
[ oda lets her scold him, staring at his plate with a blank expression. maybe she’s getting through him or maybe not.
he notes that maybe this is some sort of personal subject for her. he understands it, somewhat—doing good has been infinite times more difficult than anything else in his life.
oda stays silent once she’s done, trying to ignore the pain in favor of keeping himself still. ]
I wasn’t referring to the rest of the group. Aside from a couple—and whats-his-name, I don’t have negative feelings towards any of you.
I just—[ he stops talking suddenly, shaking his head. ] Never mind. It’s over now.
[ oda pushes his plate away, preferring to stare away at his mug of coffee.
he talks quietly, in a robotic tone—as if trying to push his emotions down. ]
It had been a long time since I let myself get tricked like that. I told that man that I didn’t want to make friendships or relationships here to avoid... something like what happened last night.
[ ... ]
If I had been the other Oda Sakunosuke, I have no doubt that it would’ve been worse. From what Atsushi said, that man was his friend—so he would’ve been incredibly hurt by this. Far more than how I was.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[To be honest, she doesn't actually trust herself with handling that at the moment.]
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[ he takes out two mugs to pour coffee in, one which he slides closer to saki. ]
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[She's already got both shares in the pan, and perhaps out of spite, she slides them off onto two separate plates.
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Alright. If you insist.
[ he takes a sip of his coffee, going to one of the plates. ]
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...He might have actually gotten a bit more than a dusting on his plate, but that's probably just because she was in a hurry, or something.]
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Thanks.
[ and he’ll just start eating. ]
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So, is your usual reaction to people you dislike to kill them?
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[ oda doesn’t seem to be affected by the topic, answering in a deadpan tone. ]
Only those that are a danger and those that are traitors.
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[With his help goes unsaid.]
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[ oda knows that what he did was wrong. he doesn’t need saki to remind him of it. ]
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[That's the most important question here, really.]
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[ it’s only then when he looks uncomfortable, a shade or two paler than usual. the memory of his and moriarty’s conversation is enough to make him relive the fear of it. ]
But if something happens to him—I won’t help. Everything that ends up happening to him from now on, he’ll deserve it.
[ there’s a slight edge to his voice, tinged with anger and hurt alike. ]
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[Her voice grows firm there.]
You told me you were trying to be a better person. Being a better person doesn't include making snap judgments to kill someone.
[Anger gives edge to her words.
There are already plenty of people helping, and people who aren't. She figures among the lot of them, they'll be able to get the information they need to. But deciding to take a life on the spot?
She's already seen people make that judgment call when they shouldn't have. And she's not going to accept it like this anymore.]
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[ oda says this half-heartedly while eating. not because he doesn’t believe her (taking a human life is wrong, it always is) but because he didn’t really want to argue. ]
Well, I’m not going to apologize. Everything that I said then, I meant it. If you’re going to continue hating me, then go ahead.
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[She forks some food into her mouth a little more forcefully than is probably necessary for just... well, eating breakfast.]
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[ with his gaze not leaving the plate, he simply moves his food around, not eating any. ]
If that’s what people think then that’s just how it is.
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Did you really want to be a better person, or not?
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Of course I do. But what’s the point if things like these are going to keep happening?
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[Her own voice is harsh.]
If you do something wrong, people will scold you. Even if you do something good, people might try to tell you you're wrong anyway. Do you know how hard it is, trying to do the right thing when everyone wants you to just... just let people die and be done with it?!
[As she talks, her voice raises.]
Maybe we'll be safer if some people die. They definitely can't be problems anymore if they're dead. But that's the easy way out, isn't it? You can just say, "they were dangerous, so I took care of it before they could do anything," and no one could prove you wrong.
[Somewhere along the way, this has become personal. It's easy enough to tell from how she speaks, a barely restrained anger.]
It's so much harder to convince people of the value of others. To show people that we are not monsters to be disposed of at the first sign of trouble.
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he notes that maybe this is some sort of personal subject for her. he understands it, somewhat—doing good has been infinite times more difficult than anything else in his life.
oda stays silent once she’s done, trying to ignore the pain in favor of keeping himself still. ]
I wasn’t referring to the rest of the group. Aside from a couple—and whats-his-name, I don’t have negative feelings towards any of you.
I just—[ he stops talking suddenly, shaking his head. ] Never mind. It’s over now.
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Only what?
Don't just close yourself off again.
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[ oda pushes his plate away, preferring to stare away at his mug of coffee.
he talks quietly, in a robotic tone—as if trying to push his emotions down. ]
It had been a long time since I let myself get tricked like that. I told that man that I didn’t want to make friendships or relationships here to avoid... something like what happened last night.
[ ... ]
If I had been the other Oda Sakunosuke, I have no doubt that it would’ve been worse. From what Atsushi said, that man was his friend—so he would’ve been incredibly hurt by this. Far more than how I was.
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...Were you... betrayed badly in the past?
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Usually they were just clients. I would deal with them easily, and that would be it.
[ he doesn’t think that he needs to explain how he dealt with them, so... ]
I had actually begun to trust him. Isn’t that ridiculous?
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...I don't think it is. He...
[She trails off, ever mindful of the microphones.]
...I don't think we can trust him. ["Completely," she mouths in addition.] But I want to keep talking to him.
I know I have to be careful. I've been through... something a little similar before. But I still want to see if he can be reasoned with.
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