[ oda didn't mean to speak up. once their alright breakfast with a side of bad news was done and everyone had filtered out of the room, he had stayed behind--his excuse being to "help clean the kitchen".
really, a large part of him just wanted to be alone. but with saki there, that's pretty much impossible, no? ]
[ there's a sudden wave of shame that comes over oda, thinking that maybe he was just imagining things. perhaps he read her mood wrong and now this would become just another awkward conversation.
he sighs, and begins washing plates.]
It's nothing, really. Just wanted to know if you were alright after what the Professor said.
This isn't the first time my life has been in danger, and I'm sure it won't be the last.
[She says that perhaps a little too forcefully. Drops the plates a little too forcefully, too, they clank loudly as they meet the counter. None shatter, at least.]
[ he tries to keep his emotions in check, but perhaps she can tell that he looks a little more down than usual, especially when she reacts that way. he continues washing the plates rather dispassionately, setting them aside to dry. ]
I'm pretty sure I've accepted the chance that I could die. I don't think I'd be that upset about it either. But it's when I think about everyone else that I feel...[ he hesitates, mulling over his thoughts as he tries to put a name to this emotion. ] Angry, I guess. That they have to go through this.
[ oda says this simply, neither frustrated or annoyed with what saki says. if anything he feels like shes simply telling facts that are already known.
he turns around to focus back on the plates, though— not wanting to see her angry expression. ]
It’s not that “I want to die”. But living selfishly is something I’ve already done enough of, and I’ve hurt many people because of it. I think helping others is the least that I can do to make up for what I’ve done.
[ oda shuts the water off. it’s not that he’s done washing—there’s still dirty plates that need attention—but he wants to force himself to give saki the proper attention. ]
I can’t promise you that. I don’t know if someone will take me out tonight or next week or the week after that... and making an empty promise would probably hurt you more.
[Her head dips down again, shoulders raised, tense.]
I'm just so tired of this. I don't want to keep losing people.
I don't want to lose anymore...
[And just like that, she can feel the moment when the emotions she'd kept so carefully level spill over. Tears spring into her eyes, and she quickly raises a hand to wipe them away.]
After this morning, that isn't really reassuring...
[After all, they can return so long as their souls aren't kept in this world by a shinigami or the like. She makes one more pass at the tears, scrubbing with the back of her wrists before giving a light shake of the head.]
That's probably as much as I can ask of you right now, though.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thursday morning, after moriarty's no good very bad news
[ oda didn't mean to speak up. once their alright breakfast with a side of bad news was done and everyone had filtered out of the room, he had stayed behind--his excuse being to "help clean the kitchen".
really, a large part of him just wanted to be alone. but with saki there, that's pretty much impossible, no? ]
Are...you okay?
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[She'd set about cleaning as well, picking up the plates and balancing them carefully in hand to bring back to the kitchen sink.]
...I'm alright. [Is the natural answer, even if she's still looking subdued.] Why do you ask?
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[ there's a sudden wave of shame that comes over oda, thinking that maybe he was just imagining things. perhaps he read her mood wrong and now this would become just another awkward conversation.
he sighs, and begins washing plates.]
It's nothing, really. Just wanted to know if you were alright after what the Professor said.
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[She says that perhaps a little too forcefully. Drops the plates a little too forcefully, too, they clank loudly as they meet the counter. None shatter, at least.]
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[ he tries to keep his emotions in check, but perhaps she can tell that he looks a little more down than usual, especially when she reacts that way. he continues washing the plates rather dispassionately, setting them aside to dry. ]
I'm pretty sure I've accepted the chance that I could die. I don't think I'd be that upset about it either. But it's when I think about everyone else that I feel...[ he hesitates, mulling over his thoughts as he tries to put a name to this emotion. ] Angry, I guess. That they have to go through this.
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...This is exactly what I mean.
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Even now, you're still trying to take care of the rest of us first.
[And she's not sure how much more of that she can just sit by and watch when the stakes are what they are.]
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[ oda says this simply, neither frustrated or annoyed with what saki says. if anything he feels like shes simply telling facts that are already known.
he turns around to focus back on the plates, though— not wanting to see her angry expression. ]
It’s not that “I want to die”. But living selfishly is something I’ve already done enough of, and I’ve hurt many people because of it. I think helping others is the least that I can do to make up for what I’ve done.
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[She already knows this about herself. It's nothing new.]
I don't want you to die. I don't want another person to leave me. So please indulge my selfishness and try a little harder.
[He doesn't have to see her face as she speaks; she'll return to collecting silverware and cups.]
1/2
[ oda’s breath stops when she says that, his words caught in his throat.
that’s more than i deserve, is what he nearly says. ]
2/2
there’s no need for her to know any of his ugly, unnecessary feelings. ]
I’ll do my best.
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Her head dips as she continues collecting pieces, stacking them as much as possible for easier carrying.]
I'm so tired of this.
[Even over the water, it's just loud enough to be heard. But she shakes her head, moving to dump the new collection on the counter.]
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[ oda shuts the water off. it’s not that he’s done washing—there’s still dirty plates that need attention—but he wants to force himself to give saki the proper attention. ]
I can’t promise you that. I don’t know if someone will take me out tonight or next week or the week after that... and making an empty promise would probably hurt you more.
1/2
I never asked for a promise. People die. I know that. Sometimes, you can't-
[Her voice catches, and she has to try again.]
Sometimes, you can't save everyone.
2/2
I'm just so tired of this. I don't want to keep losing people.
I don't want to lose anymore...
[And just like that, she can feel the moment when the emotions she'd kept so carefully level spill over. Tears spring into her eyes, and she quickly raises a hand to wipe them away.]
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[ oda’s expression softens when he sees the tears, a feeling of guilt surging from his chest.
he lifts an arm, wanting to reach out and hold her, but stops midway. ]
I’m sorry. I— you’re right, I know.
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Then try to live.
I know. I know we have to protect everyone we can. But can't you spare at least a little care for yourself, too?
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[ oda says this quietly with a sigh. it’s not like he ever thought he deserved something like that, especially after all he’s done in his past.
but he doesn’t want to see saki cry again, and especially because of him. ]
But I’ll do my best. I still want to go back home, after all.
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[After all, they can return so long as their souls aren't kept in this world by a shinigami or the like. She makes one more pass at the tears, scrubbing with the back of her wrists before giving a light shake of the head.]
That's probably as much as I can ask of you right now, though.