I know that. [It's half a snap. Does she really?] But...
My memories are what I cherish most about my friends. And even if they've left me, at least I can still remember them and everything they meant to me before...
[Before they died. Before they left. But she never quite finishes that sentence.]
...I am who I am because of them. And some of my memories were already stolen away from me once. [Shun. Yoshimi. Reiko.] I can't stand the thought of never remembering them again, but...
The thought of never even knowing them is even worse. Because even when my memories were taken away, they affected me so deeply, there was still a hollowness left behind I couldn't ignore.
[She calms slightly, remembering where she is and who she's talking to. She's still far from happy about any of this, but she's less snappish - for now.]
Forgetting isn't any better. Even if you don't remember your mistakes, you'll still notice a hole missing in your life that can't ever be filled. That there was someone you cared about so much, but you can't remember their name or face. You can't remember everything they did for you, only that they're responsible for who you are now, and they'll always be just out of your grasp.
And it will stay with you like that until you can finally remember, or until you die.
[He suddenly grits his teeth, like he's about to say something painful in response to that, but he stops himself short. No, snapping won't do any good here. Even as he feels that pain welling up inside his chest.]
Don't- they already leave a hole, Saki. A big, person-shaped hole that will never be filled, no matter how many tears you cry or how much you try to fill yourself with other things. Regardless of if you know their name or not, that hole is still there.
[Why did he leave?
Why didn't he chase after him when he had the chance?]
Twelve years passed for me, Dazai. I had twelve years to grow up. To begin moving forward with my life again. But I couldn't. All because there was one piece of my life that was missing.
[A pause, and then:]
You said you can't feel anything, but that was a lie, wasn't it? Right now you still feel the pain from that loss. Years from now, you might still, but... you'll be able to move forward. Because even if they aren't there anymore, they were there for you once.
[It was absolutely a lie, but Dazai just doesn't want to face his feelings. He's already backing up a couple steps, putting some distance between them.]
I won't have to heal if I don't get hurt in the first place!
[You aren't supposed to scare an animal that feels like it's been cornered. But Saki was never good at holding herself back from those who are hurt.
For every step back he takes, she steps forward. Her hand curls over her chest- she isn't reaching for him or anything, but she isn't letting him get away, either.]
But you are hurt right now. And you can still heal from it.
You can still be a good person, Dazai. In fact, you're already doing it.
[He's going to keep backing up until he bounces against a wall, which stops him in his tracks. His hands are up and pressing against his forehead, like he's trying to stave off a migraine, or maybe just get control of himself? The quick breaths he's taking are a sure sign of an oncoming panic attack, one that he's trying to hold off so he can push Saki away and be alone again.
But when he opens his mouth to yell at her, nothing comes out. Nothing except a bit of tears at the corner of his eye.]
[She doesn't stop when he does, continuing to advance. Quietly, gently, she reaches out to tentatively place a hand on his shoulder.]
Dazai...
[If he reacts badly, she'll back off. She still has some sense of self-preservation. But if he allows her, she'll slide that hand around to his back, bringing him into an embrace.]
[Oh, Dazai. Her grip tightens just a little more, if unintentionally. When she speaks, her voice is soft, but it's not like that matters when they're so close.]
[It's okay, it's okay. She understands this and will keep holding onto him in silence until he seems ready to talk or let go. Her arm eases up from his back and instead goes to his hair, patting him gently on the head.
[He does let go, eventually. And when he pulls back he's already rubbing at the exposed part of his face, which is damp and red and puffy. He definitely doesn't want anyone seeing him like this.]
Ugh, I can't believe you got me to cry. That's so rude.
[Trying to retreat to comedy for safety again, whoops.]
[She lets him go, though she'll reach out to pat him on top of the head again. This series of pats is less comforting and more mildly mocking, however.]
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Just because it takes time for me to make friends doesn't mean I'm friendless.
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Then why is it such a big deal if you make a friend here or not?
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And two, some of the people here are rude.
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Her eyes go dark at that.]
So you're just afraid of loss.
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[He was about to say 'the rest of you', but there are some non-human members to their group. So he'll amend that.]
I'm a person, just like everyone else here.
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...There are worse things than losing someone important to you.
[She lived that reality for twelve years.]
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My memories are what I cherish most about my friends. And even if they've left me, at least I can still remember them and everything they meant to me before...
[Before they died. Before they left. But she never quite finishes that sentence.]
...I am who I am because of them. And some of my memories were already stolen away from me once. [Shun. Yoshimi. Reiko.] I can't stand the thought of never remembering them again, but...
The thought of never even knowing them is even worse. Because even when my memories were taken away, they affected me so deeply, there was still a hollowness left behind I couldn't ignore.
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[He says it with a touch of a thoughtful tone, but really, his voice has run dry. Something Saki said has affected him deeply.]
I suppose they're a nice reminder of how much you've messed up, and what mistakes to never make again.
[He's definitely speaking from experience there. That's not a jab at anything Saki has experienced, it's pulling from personal experience.]
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Forgetting isn't any better. Even if you don't remember your mistakes, you'll still notice a hole missing in your life that can't ever be filled. That there was someone you cared about so much, but you can't remember their name or face. You can't remember everything they did for you, only that they're responsible for who you are now, and they'll always be just out of your grasp.
And it will stay with you like that until you can finally remember, or until you die.
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Don't- they already leave a hole, Saki. A big, person-shaped hole that will never be filled, no matter how many tears you cry or how much you try to fill yourself with other things. Regardless of if you know their name or not, that hole is still there.
[Why did he leave?
Why didn't he chase after him when he had the chance?]
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[This, she says firmly.]
Twelve years passed for me, Dazai. I had twelve years to grow up. To begin moving forward with my life again. But I couldn't. All because there was one piece of my life that was missing.
[A pause, and then:]
You said you can't feel anything, but that was a lie, wasn't it? Right now you still feel the pain from that loss. Years from now, you might still, but... you'll be able to move forward. Because even if they aren't there anymore, they were there for you once.
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I won't have to heal if I don't get hurt in the first place!
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[You aren't supposed to scare an animal that feels like it's been cornered. But Saki was never good at holding herself back from those who are hurt.
For every step back he takes, she steps forward. Her hand curls over her chest- she isn't reaching for him or anything, but she isn't letting him get away, either.]
But you are hurt right now. And you can still heal from it.
You can still be a good person, Dazai. In fact, you're already doing it.
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But when he opens his mouth to yell at her, nothing comes out. Nothing except a bit of tears at the corner of his eye.]
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Dazai...
[If he reacts badly, she'll back off. She still has some sense of self-preservation. But if he allows her, she'll slide that hand around to his back, bringing him into an embrace.]
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That shoulder is about to get very wet, by the way. The way his body shakes with every sniffle gives that away.]
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Her embrace is both gentle and firm, and she'll rub his back comfortingly as he cries. For however long he needs to, she'll be here with him.]
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But in the middle of it, Saki is going to hear some rather surprising muffled words, something that Dazai probably doesn't mean to say.]
I miss him.
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I know. I know you do.
I'm so sorry, Dazai.
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He's never really had a chance to cry it out, ok? And it's all hitting him at once right now.]
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She's here.]
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Ugh, I can't believe you got me to cry. That's so rude.
[Trying to retreat to comedy for safety again, whoops.]
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[She lets him go, though she'll reach out to pat him on top of the head again. This series of pats is less comforting and more mildly mocking, however.]
But you needed it, didn't you?
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[He sees the mocking, Saki.]
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