DAZAI CATCH ALL

[allmyfriendsaredead]

Comments

[allmyfriendsaredead]

[Hmm.]

Your favorite things.

[guileturncoat]

'Things' is a very broad category.

[allmyfriendsaredead]

Is "food" easier? Just tell me what you like that doesn't include people.

[guileturncoat]

Aaah, Saki-san is so difficult to please!

I suppose I like science fiction, and reading. And video games too.

[allmyfriendsaredead]

You're the one who makes it so difficult to get to know you.

[Huff!]

I'm surprised you didn't play video games with everyone, too.

[guileturncoat]

Because I would beat them all, duh.

[allmyfriendsaredead]

Ohhh? You're really that good at them?

[Saki




You are terrible at video games. You have no room to sound unconvinced here.]

[guileturncoat]

I'm the best among my friends.

[allmyfriendsaredead]

[...]

Do you mind telling me a little about them?

[guileturncoat]

Sure, I guess? But I'm not going to tell you their names.

One is a pretty nice girl, we've been friends for ages now. She's not one to be the center of attention, but she has a lot of sass in her. Definitely one of the funniest people I've ever known. You might like her, actually, I bet you two would get along.

1/2

[allmyfriendsaredead]

[She tilts her head slightly.]

Are names really an issue? Just like you, I don't make a habit of watching other peoples' stories, so it isn't like I would know.

2/2

[allmyfriendsaredead]

[But- wait.

Huh?]

...Someone said you didn't think you would make any friends in the next eight weeks.

[At the time, she assumed it was because he just didn't have any friends other than Oda - not to mention the whole despicable person thing.

But if he had another friend already...?]

[guileturncoat]

[Look at that frown on his face. Look at it.]

Just because it takes time for me to make friends doesn't mean I'm friendless.

[allmyfriendsaredead]

[She totally assumed he's friendless.]

Then why is it such a big deal if you make a friend here or not?

[guileturncoat]

Because one, if anyone I make friends with dies then it's going to hurt a lot.

And two, some of the people here are rude.

[allmyfriendsaredead]

[Oh.

Her eyes go dark at that.]

So you're just afraid of loss.

[guileturncoat]

Of course I am. I'm only human, just like-

[He was about to say 'the rest of you', but there are some non-human members to their group. So he'll amend that.]

I'm a person, just like everyone else here.

[allmyfriendsaredead]

[She falls silent for a moment, her expression sullen.]

...There are worse things than losing someone important to you.

[She lived that reality for twelve years.]

[guileturncoat]

It's not a competition of what is the 'worst', Saki-san. I'm a coward who hates feeling pain of any kind, and I try to avoid it as much as possible.

[allmyfriendsaredead]

I know that. [It's half a snap. Does she really?] But...

My memories are what I cherish most about my friends. And even if they've left me, at least I can still remember them and everything they meant to me before...

[Before they died. Before they left. But she never quite finishes that sentence.]

...I am who I am because of them. And some of my memories were already stolen away from me once. [Shun. Yoshimi. Reiko.] I can't stand the thought of never remembering them again, but...

The thought of never even knowing them is even worse. Because even when my memories were taken away, they affected me so deeply, there was still a hollowness left behind I couldn't ignore.

[guileturncoat]

Memories, huh?

[He says it with a touch of a thoughtful tone, but really, his voice has run dry. Something Saki said has affected him deeply.]

I suppose they're a nice reminder of how much you've messed up, and what mistakes to never make again.

[He's definitely speaking from experience there. That's not a jab at anything Saki has experienced, it's pulling from personal experience.]

[allmyfriendsaredead]

[She calms slightly, remembering where she is and who she's talking to. She's still far from happy about any of this, but she's less snappish - for now.]

Forgetting isn't any better. Even if you don't remember your mistakes, you'll still notice a hole missing in your life that can't ever be filled. That there was someone you cared about so much, but you can't remember their name or face. You can't remember everything they did for you, only that they're responsible for who you are now, and they'll always be just out of your grasp.

And it will stay with you like that until you can finally remember, or until you die.

[guileturncoat]

[He suddenly grits his teeth, like he's about to say something painful in response to that, but he stops himself short. No, snapping won't do any good here. Even as he feels that pain welling up inside his chest.]

Don't- they already leave a hole, Saki. A big, person-shaped hole that will never be filled, no matter how many tears you cry or how much you try to fill yourself with other things. Regardless of if you know their name or not, that hole is still there.

[Why did he leave?

Why didn't he chase after him when he had the chance?]

[allmyfriendsaredead]

It's different.

[This, she says firmly.]

Twelve years passed for me, Dazai. I had twelve years to grow up. To begin moving forward with my life again. But I couldn't. All because there was one piece of my life that was missing.

[A pause, and then:]

You said you can't feel anything, but that was a lie, wasn't it? Right now you still feel the pain from that loss. Years from now, you might still, but... you'll be able to move forward. Because even if they aren't there anymore, they were there for you once.

[guileturncoat]

[It was absolutely a lie, but Dazai just doesn't want to face his feelings. He's already backing up a couple steps, putting some distance between them.]

I won't have to heal if I don't get hurt in the first place!